How many times do we let what we want go unsaid? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about wants. What do I deeply want? How does owning my wants help my team or my family? When is it selfish? What happens when I don’t share what I want with my team or my family?
About two years ago I joined a leadership group that really focuses on the whole executive being in balance. When one part of our life is out of balance, how can we be our best at work? Turns out for me at least, I can’t. So, I joined this group and the deep work started. That is where I started learning how to deal with anger and see it as a gift that is telling me change is needed. It is also where I learned that one of the key principles that make me and teams I run successful is Connection First. I talk about some of that here. And it is where I’ve done a lot of work thinking about wants.
One of the exercises we’ve done is to say what we want, and then ask the question, “What is the need behind that want?”. When I did the exercise, I started with needs that to me sounded selfish or embarrassing, but when I bottomed out on the need behind the want, it came down to things like, “Connection”, “Freedom/Joy”, “Safety/Security”, “Meaning/Purpose”. Things I think are fundamental to a joyful life and additionally some of the attributes that I think makes a great team. Do the exercise for yourself. List 3 things that you want right now. Then for each one, keep asking “what is the need behind that want?”. Go down the rabbit hole and see what you find. There be gold there.
One of the things I want that I have been ashamed about is that I want to prioritize myself more. I have guilt around putting myself ahead of others. Somehow that feels selfish.
Just last night, my husband wanted to go on a date. A simple date of dinner and a walk. But I have been feeling un-grounded lately. I think some of it is external — the world is changing again now that we are coming out of COVID. We are going back to the office. Commutes, finding conference rooms, figuring out lunch, water cooler conversations are all becoming part of the new-again normal. Navigating all of that and also balancing time for me, driving carpool, karate lessons for youngest Waydo, track meets for oldest Waydo, my husband also going back to work — some days it just feels like too much. Like last night when hubs wanted to go on that date at the end of a day when I’ve been juggling different commitments since 8am. I just couldn’t. I called him and told him what I wanted, recognizing it wasn’t what he wanted. I was full of shame about it, but still had reached a limit where I had to prioritize myself. Not only was that ok with him, he’s spent the last day since coming up with ideas on how to help.
Many women I know and respect have their versions of putting themselves first. One friend calls it Hermit Mode, another Turtle Time. They pull back from doing everything for everyone and prioritize themselves. When they come back — they are better. More clear and present, full of interesting experiences to share. So, wanting to prioritize myself is not only ok, it is vital for me and the success of my teams and groups I’m a part of. I spoke about this more in this podcast.
“Put the oxygen mask on yourself before tending to others.” We hear that on every flight we take. It is the same message every time. Basically saying you can’t help others if you aren’t first attending to your own needs. Imagine the consequences on a flight if you didn’t heed this safety message.
How does this apply to work? As a leader what happens when we prioritize our wants? I’ve heard some leaders say that their wants typically reflect the team’s wants, so prioritizing themselves is prioritizing the team. I think that is right, more importantly though, I think the team wants us to share what we want with them. Knowing what we want helps them understand what success looks like, how their part fits into our vision, what the culture is, how we do work, what the decision is. All the things. That leads to more group safety and connection which are basic wants for most people. And Group Safety and Connection have been shown to be the foundation of high performing teams.
What if you don’t lead a team right now? I think the same principles apply to all groups we are a part of … family, friends, work. Knowing what each other wants leads to more connection and feelings of safety and security. All good ingredients for a great group!
xo
Jaime
Jaime Waydo 